Thu, 10 Feb 2005 23:46:34 GMT

So I have a boyfriend. That is so weird for me. I've never had anyone that I can really trust, outside of my friends and family of course. Jason just makes me feel safe and happy. I've seen him every fucking night since we met, that was like 3 weeks ago. We've been going out for a week and a day now and I'm not tired of him at all. It just seems natural to see him at the end of the day. And when I'm not with him I miss him. How queer is that? My life seems to be balanced and on track all of a sudden. Apparently I made deans list last semester, which i think is a joke. I'm working more than I'd like, but I need the damn money. My money situation isnt even that bad. If you ignore the fact that I still owe my parents for tuition. I think this is the happiest that I've ever been. The apartment is getting too messy and i need to stay on top of that, but everythings great. I dont hang out with my friends as much. I miss that, but Jason fills that void. It's like he's been a part of my life all along. Today we went to Kohls because he says that i need new shoes, which i do, but the ones i have should last me longer if i clean them. But I'm pretty sure that he's going to buy me a pair that i said i liked. I struggle with that part of the relationship. Sometimes I feel like I'm taking advantage of him, not willingly, but he always pays for my shit. He's really bad with money. I dont think he understands the concept of saving for a rainy day, that scares me. He has to have everything new, furniture, clothes, he wont even eat leftovers. I'm not used to that. He could save so much money if he would just compromise, but he wont. I'm trying to deal with that and let it go, but I cant stand seeing him blow his money like he does. But it's really not my business. I wish I understood him better.

My first entry

Wed, 15 Sep 2004 04:21:21 GMT

So, I decided to start this journal because I need a place to vent. I have a lot of things going on in my life and sometimes I don't know how to deal. I thought that maybe this would make me feel better when I think that I can't take anymore. I'll probably sound whiny and all, but who's really going to read this.
So here goes, today I had work and it was ok. I work at a gas station. One of my regular customers gave me a t-shirt from the Kenny Chesney concert he went to, so that was cool. There's three or four men who come in and kinda sexually harass me. I feel retarded saying that, but I guess thats what they do. One even strokes my hand and back if I'm not behind the counter. Another is this guy who is like 60 or 70 and he has repeatedly invited me out for a beer. He even invited me back to his nursing home room to look at the movies he has. I just don't understand how that would seem ok. I don't know how to get them to stop, I hate confrontations but I can't take much more of it.
Guys are all stupid. I'm tired of them. Why am I always alone? It seems like as soon as I find a guy that seems cool, he turns out to be different than I thought. I am about ready to give up. Don't I deserve I guy who treats me right and who I am attracted to? Maybe I'm shallow, but it's important to me, chemistry makes the relationship. It's really important to me to be attracted to a guy...maybe not just chemistry based on looks, but also his personality. Should I lower my standards? I don't know. I know how pitiful it is that I get so depressed about being alone, but I can't help it. I hate this, always being alone. I want sex from someone who cares about me. I think I'm tired of just having a friend with benefits, but I know I won't break it off because then I won't even have that little amount of time when I feel wanted and important. I want sex...but meaningful sex, I think...whatever. I don't know what's going to happen next. I hope this guy Dan is cool and attractive. I can't take many more bad dates.

Erin's Journal

My first entry